man: i became a millionaire when i met my wife
Man2: that's great!what were you before that?
Man: A Multi-millionaire!!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
128: fights!
My girlfriend ask me the other night:" Is love blind?"
I answered:" Nope, its jus the people are blind."
And the fight started....
(Thanks Hannah)
I answered:" Nope, its jus the people are blind."
And the fight started....
(Thanks Hannah)
127: Love Of your life
Jack: How much would u pay to meet the love of your life tonight?
Ray: $1.19 for bus fare.
(Thanks Hannah)
Ray: $1.19 for bus fare.
(Thanks Hannah)
Monday, November 9, 2009
124: Plane Black Boxes
If the people who designed the black box flight recorder and claimed tat it cannot be damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
121: 3 silly friends seeing something
3 good silly friends were walking down the street. they spot something on the ground
1st one went to see and say:" man it looks like shit"
2nd one went and see:"smells like shit"
3rd one went and taste it and said: " it tastes like shit"
1st one quickly say:" good thing we din step on it!!"
1st one went to see and say:" man it looks like shit"
2nd one went and see:"smells like shit"
3rd one went and taste it and said: " it tastes like shit"
1st one quickly say:" good thing we din step on it!!"
117: Programmers vs light bulb
Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: none, that's a hardware problem
A: none, that's a hardware problem
116: Batman and superman racing
Batman and superman were racing.who won?
superman of course. Batman begins and superman returns!
(sorry guys if i have posted this before)
superman of course. Batman begins and superman returns!
(sorry guys if i have posted this before)
112: Husband and wife
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him? " she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning, and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
The drunk replies, "Over here -- on the swing!"
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him? " she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning, and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
The drunk replies, "Over here -- on the swing!"
111: Old man....
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me THE EXACT WORDS that were used to put the curse on you."
Without hesitation, the old man says, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me THE EXACT WORDS that were used to put the curse on you."
Without hesitation, the old man says, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
109: Banana vs vibrator LOL
What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for, she's going to eat me!
108: Husband and wife?????
couple went to see a doc.
Couple: doc we have sex problem
Doc: How come? are u 2 a little shy?
Couple: yeah
Doc: ok next time u have the urge jus do it
after 1 week they returned.
Couple: we did it...we felt the urge last nite during dinner and did it right on the table.
doc: good!
Couple: but there is 1 problem
Doc:wats that?
Couple: they wount let us into mcd again
Couple: doc we have sex problem
Doc: How come? are u 2 a little shy?
Couple: yeah
Doc: ok next time u have the urge jus do it
after 1 week they returned.
Couple: we did it...we felt the urge last nite during dinner and did it right on the table.
doc: good!
Couple: but there is 1 problem
Doc:wats that?
Couple: they wount let us into mcd again
106: names names
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
105:pilot
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.
The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
104: Heaven
Two old friends, Sam and Bob, are baseball fanatics. They live and breathe baseball, they attend 60 games a year, the local bartender calls them to answer disputes regarding statistics, they have attended every World Series game since 1960. They are getting older and one day, Sam says to Bob. "If you die before I do, will you let me know, if they play baseball in Heaven. I'll do the same for you if I die before you do." Bob agrees.
Two days later Bob passes away in his sleep.
Sam comes home from the funeral and lays down for a nap, he's really tired. He drifts in and out of sleep. Suddenly, there's a heavenly voice saying "Sam! Sam!"
Sam is startled awake and asks, "Is that you, Bob?"
Bob answers, "Yes, Sam it's me."
Sam asks, "So, tell me Bob, do they play baseball in heaven?"
Bob replies "Sam, I've got good news and bad news, what do want to hear first."
"The good news first, Bob." Sam says.
Bob replies with "Okay, Sam, the good news is they play baseball in heaven, and the bad news is that you're starting the game tomorrow evening."
Two days later Bob passes away in his sleep.
Sam comes home from the funeral and lays down for a nap, he's really tired. He drifts in and out of sleep. Suddenly, there's a heavenly voice saying "Sam! Sam!"
Sam is startled awake and asks, "Is that you, Bob?"
Bob answers, "Yes, Sam it's me."
Sam asks, "So, tell me Bob, do they play baseball in heaven?"
Bob replies "Sam, I've got good news and bad news, what do want to hear first."
"The good news first, Bob." Sam says.
Bob replies with "Okay, Sam, the good news is they play baseball in heaven, and the bad news is that you're starting the game tomorrow evening."
103: Theather Case
At a theater, the usher approaches a man who has stretched out over three seats and asks him to sit up.
The man simply looks at him and says, "Uhhhh."
The usher asks again, and again the man says back to him, "Uhhhh."
The usher warns the man that he'll have to get the manager and there would be a good chance he'd be asked to leave. The man doesn't seem to care and again replies, "Uhhh."
So, the usher brings the manager over, and after several attempts to get the man to comply, the manager decides to call the police. A cop shows up and says to the guy, "Look, they've been asking you nicely to sit up and make room for other people, why are you being so stubborn?"
The guy stares at the cop and says, "Uhhh." The cop says, "Okay, buddy that's it. I'm going to kick you out of here. Now, where are you from, anyway?"
The guy replies, "Balcony… "
The man simply looks at him and says, "Uhhhh."
The usher asks again, and again the man says back to him, "Uhhhh."
The usher warns the man that he'll have to get the manager and there would be a good chance he'd be asked to leave. The man doesn't seem to care and again replies, "Uhhh."
So, the usher brings the manager over, and after several attempts to get the man to comply, the manager decides to call the police. A cop shows up and says to the guy, "Look, they've been asking you nicely to sit up and make room for other people, why are you being so stubborn?"
The guy stares at the cop and says, "Uhhh." The cop says, "Okay, buddy that's it. I'm going to kick you out of here. Now, where are you from, anyway?"
The guy replies, "Balcony… "
102: Workers
Two guys were working for the city. One would dig a hole—he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole—fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously, one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man watching from the sidewalk couldn't understand what they were doing.
He says to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replies, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
A man watching from the sidewalk couldn't understand what they were doing.
He says to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replies, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
101: Husband and wife 6!
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser.
He loved money more than anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
So he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
She said, "I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check".
He loved money more than anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
So he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
She said, "I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check".
100: Husband and wife. 5
Man to friend: i became a millionaire when i met my wife!
Friend: Wow that is amazing. what were u before u met your wife?
Man: A multimillionaire!!
Friend: Wow that is amazing. what were u before u met your wife?
Man: A multimillionaire!!
99: Husband and wife..again
A woman told her friend: "For eighteen years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world! Then we met.
98: Husband and wife.hehe
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be three to five inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be two to four inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be six to eight inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be two to four inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be six to eight inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."
97: Poor Lawyer
A big wheel New York corporate lawyer decides to go duck hunting in the deep South.
He arrives, sets up, and almost immediately up comes some ducks and wonder of wonders, he shoots and hits one. It falls on the other side of a fence, marked, "No Trespassing." "Hey," he figures, "Big deal, what're some hayside farmers gonna do to a big shot like me?" So he climbs over the fence and goes for the duck. A voice calls out‹he looks up and sees an old geezer on an even older tractor.
"What 'ya doin', boy?"
"Getting my duck," says the lawyer.
"No yer not, that there's my duck‹it landed on my propity‹soes its mine."
"Listen old man, you know who you're dealing with? I'm one of the biggest, baddest attorneys you ever saw‹I'll sue you and take everything you own."
"Tell 'ya what, Sonny. Let's take it to our little way of settlin' legal matters around these here parts, let's do it the 'Three Kick' rule."
"What's that, old man?"
"It's simple, I start by kickin' you three times, then it be your turn to kick me three times, last one standing wins."
Hmmm, thinks the lawyer, this is an old man. He couldn't kick too hard and I'll kick him so hard he'll never remember his own name‹teach him a lesson he'll never forget‹so why not?
"OK," says the lawyer, "give it your best shot."
The old farmer slowly climbs down from his tractor, takes aim, and swiftly kicks the lawyer right between the legs‹causing him to fall to his knees, then the farmer walks around and kicks him in the kidneys. The lawyer falls over and the farmer walks around again and kicks him in the head.
Slowly the lawyer gets to his feet, groaning, but mad as hell and ready to get even. But he sees the farmer sitting back on the tractor and calls out,
"Hey, old man, what about my turn?"
"Ah, that's okay young fellow, you go ahead and take the duck, I don't want it after all."
He arrives, sets up, and almost immediately up comes some ducks and wonder of wonders, he shoots and hits one. It falls on the other side of a fence, marked, "No Trespassing." "Hey," he figures, "Big deal, what're some hayside farmers gonna do to a big shot like me?" So he climbs over the fence and goes for the duck. A voice calls out‹he looks up and sees an old geezer on an even older tractor.
"What 'ya doin', boy?"
"Getting my duck," says the lawyer.
"No yer not, that there's my duck‹it landed on my propity‹soes its mine."
"Listen old man, you know who you're dealing with? I'm one of the biggest, baddest attorneys you ever saw‹I'll sue you and take everything you own."
"Tell 'ya what, Sonny. Let's take it to our little way of settlin' legal matters around these here parts, let's do it the 'Three Kick' rule."
"What's that, old man?"
"It's simple, I start by kickin' you three times, then it be your turn to kick me three times, last one standing wins."
Hmmm, thinks the lawyer, this is an old man. He couldn't kick too hard and I'll kick him so hard he'll never remember his own name‹teach him a lesson he'll never forget‹so why not?
"OK," says the lawyer, "give it your best shot."
The old farmer slowly climbs down from his tractor, takes aim, and swiftly kicks the lawyer right between the legs‹causing him to fall to his knees, then the farmer walks around and kicks him in the kidneys. The lawyer falls over and the farmer walks around again and kicks him in the head.
Slowly the lawyer gets to his feet, groaning, but mad as hell and ready to get even. But he sees the farmer sitting back on the tractor and calls out,
"Hey, old man, what about my turn?"
"Ah, that's okay young fellow, you go ahead and take the duck, I don't want it after all."
96: Good or bad diet?
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
96: Doctors
A man had some medical tests, and went to his doctor on a follow-up visit. The doctor said, "Well sir, I have some good news, and some bad news. Which do you want first?"
The man says, "Give me the good news."
The doctor says, "You have 3 days to live."
The man cries, "Oh my God! That's the GOOD news? What's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "Well...I got the test results two days ago!"
The man says, "Give me the good news."
The doctor says, "You have 3 days to live."
The man cries, "Oh my God! That's the GOOD news? What's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "Well...I got the test results two days ago!"
95: Lawyers
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So, the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Cuban cigars.The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I guarantee you will lose the case!"
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?" the partner asked.
"But I did send them," answered the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?" the partner asked.
"But I did send them," answered the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
94: POLICE again..
policeman stopped a guy for driving erratically. He peered intently into the driver's eyes and said, "Your eyes look bloodshot, have your been drinking?"
The guy peers into the policeman's eyes and says, "Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
The guy peers into the policeman's eyes and says, "Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
93: Police
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife," the man said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife," the man said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
92: Police..again
A middle-aged guy had just been dumped by his wife. So, he decides to go out and buy a shiny, new red BMW Z-3 convertible. He's driving along at 80 mph, when he sees a flashing light on a police car in the rear view mirror.
"What the hell, he can't keep up with a BMW," he thinks to himself. So he floors it.
A few minutes later, he's overcome with guilt. "Hey! What am I doing," he thinks? And he slows down and pulls over.
The cop asks him for his license, and walks around the car while he examines both. When the cop gets back to the driver's door, he says, "It's Friday the thirteenth. My shift is just about over. I'm tired and I want to go home. If you can give me a good excuse, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a split second and says…
"My wife just ran away with a policeman. I thought you were trying to give her back."
"What the hell, he can't keep up with a BMW," he thinks to himself. So he floors it.
A few minutes later, he's overcome with guilt. "Hey! What am I doing," he thinks? And he slows down and pulls over.
The cop asks him for his license, and walks around the car while he examines both. When the cop gets back to the driver's door, he says, "It's Friday the thirteenth. My shift is just about over. I'm tired and I want to go home. If you can give me a good excuse, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a split second and says…
"My wife just ran away with a policeman. I thought you were trying to give her back."
91: Koala bears
There were three koala bears on a tree. One fell why?
A: Because it was dead.
There were 2 koala bears on the tree left. Another fell. Why?
A: Because it was hit by the dead koala bear.
There was 1 koala bear left. it too fell. Why?
A: it thought it was a game.
A: Because it was dead.
There were 2 koala bears on the tree left. Another fell. Why?
A: Because it was hit by the dead koala bear.
There was 1 koala bear left. it too fell. Why?
A: it thought it was a game.
89: Man and ostrich
Man walks into a bar with his ostrich. They sit down at the bar, and the man orders a beer. The bartender asks the ostrich "what'll you have ?" to which it replies "whatever he's having". They down their drinks and the bartender tells the man "that'll be a dollar and fifty eight, sir". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change - without even looking - pays the barman, and leaves with his ostrich.
This same thing happens every day for the next few days, and the bartender is curious as hell. So he asks the man to tell all. This is what the guy says :
"One day, I found this little lamp, which I rubbed, and out came a genie and granted me 2 wishes. My first wish was that whenever I had to pay for anything, I'd just have to reach in my pocket, and the right amount would be there."
"Why, that's brilliant", says the bartender. "Most people would ask for unlimited wealth, but you get the same deal without all the hassle. And what was your second wish ?"
Replies the man, with a frown, " I asked for a tall chick, with long legs, that would always agree with me.
This same thing happens every day for the next few days, and the bartender is curious as hell. So he asks the man to tell all. This is what the guy says :
"One day, I found this little lamp, which I rubbed, and out came a genie and granted me 2 wishes. My first wish was that whenever I had to pay for anything, I'd just have to reach in my pocket, and the right amount would be there."
"Why, that's brilliant", says the bartender. "Most people would ask for unlimited wealth, but you get the same deal without all the hassle. And what was your second wish ?"
Replies the man, with a frown, " I asked for a tall chick, with long legs, that would always agree with me.
83: Elevator?
man was in an elevator, and the operator kept calling him, 'son'. So the man said, 'why do you keep calling me son? You're not my father!'
And the operator replied, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
And the operator replied, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
82: Its black and white?
Q:What's black white black white black white black white black white
A:a penguin rolling down the stairs.
A:a penguin rolling down the stairs.
81: Yogi?
Q:Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
A:Because when he tried to make a second one he
made a Boo-Boo.
A:Because when he tried to make a second one he
made a Boo-Boo.
77: Hunters 2
Two hunters were hunting in the forest. They both got lost. Wandering around, they came to a run down cabin. Joyfully, they went to knock the door. an old baldy man answered the door. The old man agreed that they should spend the night in the cabin as the sun was already setting. However, the old man has the most beautiful daughter.
sternly he warned the hunters that they are not to have anything to do with the daughter during the night. If they do, the hunter would put a bullet in their heads. However, the 2 hunters broke the promise and slept with the daughters.
On the second day, the old man heard about it and was furious! He summoned the two hunters to execute them. However the 2 hunters pleaded with the old man not to kill them. The old man agrees and said: "ok, here is what i want you to do. Go into the forest and bring me 100 fruits. Then i will ask you to perform a task for me.Then i would let you go. However, you cant laugh. If u laugh i would shoot you"
The 2 quickly set out to find. The first hunter found 100 cherries. Happily he took the cherries back to the old man thinking the task was to eat it. However the old mas instead ask him to shove every cherry into his arse.
In pain, the first hunter shove every cherry into his arse. When he shove the 99th cherry, he laughed. So he was shot!
The man went to heaven. St Peter was waiting at the gate. Angrily he confronted the guy. "Why did u laugh?"
The Hunter replied:" I cant help it. I saw my friend bringing back 100 durians!"
sternly he warned the hunters that they are not to have anything to do with the daughter during the night. If they do, the hunter would put a bullet in their heads. However, the 2 hunters broke the promise and slept with the daughters.
On the second day, the old man heard about it and was furious! He summoned the two hunters to execute them. However the 2 hunters pleaded with the old man not to kill them. The old man agrees and said: "ok, here is what i want you to do. Go into the forest and bring me 100 fruits. Then i will ask you to perform a task for me.Then i would let you go. However, you cant laugh. If u laugh i would shoot you"
The 2 quickly set out to find. The first hunter found 100 cherries. Happily he took the cherries back to the old man thinking the task was to eat it. However the old mas instead ask him to shove every cherry into his arse.
In pain, the first hunter shove every cherry into his arse. When he shove the 99th cherry, he laughed. So he was shot!
The man went to heaven. St Peter was waiting at the gate. Angrily he confronted the guy. "Why did u laugh?"
The Hunter replied:" I cant help it. I saw my friend bringing back 100 durians!"
76: Hunters.
Two hunters were hunting for deer in a forest. Suddenly one started coughing out blood. Unable to breathe the first hunter dropped dead. In a panic, the second hunter took out his mobile phone and called the authorities " Help my friend is dead!!"
The operator replied:" Oh ok, i know this. First of all make sure he is really dead."
There was a short silence and a gun shot went off.
"ok now what?" the second hunter replied.
The operator replied:" Oh ok, i know this. First of all make sure he is really dead."
There was a short silence and a gun shot went off.
"ok now what?" the second hunter replied.
75: Stupidity
There are 4 stupid people who wanted to open a car repair shop. They failed miserably. Why?
A: The opened the shop on the second floor!
They decided to open a taxi stand next. Alas the fail miserably too.Why?
A: The four of them were in the taxi.
The taxi broke down and they decided to push it. After an hr they did not move an inch. Why?
A: Two decided to push from behind and 2 decided to push from the front.
(Thanks Hannah for this post :P)
A: The opened the shop on the second floor!
They decided to open a taxi stand next. Alas the fail miserably too.Why?
A: The four of them were in the taxi.
The taxi broke down and they decided to push it. After an hr they did not move an inch. Why?
A: Two decided to push from behind and 2 decided to push from the front.
(Thanks Hannah for this post :P)
74: Escalator 2
Q: what do u call an escalator tat knows calculation??
A: calculator!!
(Thanks Angie:) )
A: calculator!!
(Thanks Angie:) )
Sunday, November 8, 2009
73: tomatos again
What did the tomato in front say to the tomato at the back???
A: Ketchup (catch up)!
A: Ketchup (catch up)!
72: long and short joke
Long joke: jjjjjjjjjjooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!
Short Joke: joke
(thanks Trica)
Short Joke: joke
(thanks Trica)
70: Kangeroo Vs Effiel tower
Q:can a kangaroo jump higher than the Eiffel tower ???
A:yes because the Eiffle tower cant jump
A:yes because the Eiffle tower cant jump
69: poor uncle
An uncle is riding a Harley davidson motorbike (expensive one) and there's a youngster riding a mercedees (expensive too). they meet on the road . when they look at each.
uncle : hey man, you ever ride harley huh?
young man : (why this uncle ask me such thing, ridiculous (the young man not replied))
then he off
suddenly... that uncle comes again
uncle : hey young man, do you ever ride harley?
the young man become angry and go away
then soon that uncle catch up that young man once again
uncle : hey, young man i m asking you ,,, (**@$%%%#@@%^& BOOOOMMM)
that uncle accident to a tree...
the young man took pity on him and comes by :
young man said "uncle, are you alright?"
uncle said "aiyoi,,young man,,, i m asking you , you ever ride a harley not"
young man "alamak,,, this uncle,, you have accident ,,you still asking me such things"
uncle : i want ask you, where's the brake..."
uncle : hey man, you ever ride harley huh?
young man : (why this uncle ask me such thing, ridiculous (the young man not replied))
then he off
suddenly... that uncle comes again
uncle : hey young man, do you ever ride harley?
the young man become angry and go away
then soon that uncle catch up that young man once again
uncle : hey, young man i m asking you ,,, (**@$%%%#@@%^& BOOOOMMM)
that uncle accident to a tree...
the young man took pity on him and comes by :
young man said "uncle, are you alright?"
uncle said "aiyoi,,young man,,, i m asking you , you ever ride a harley not"
young man "alamak,,, this uncle,, you have accident ,,you still asking me such things"
uncle : i want ask you, where's the brake..."
68: circus
once my cousin came home. excited he said:"Did you hear that the circus was in town?"
I cooly replied: "nah It's in tents"
I cooly replied: "nah It's in tents"
67: vomit
Two vomits were walking down the street when one started to cry. The other said, "What's wrong?"
The first replied, "This is where I was brought up!"
The first replied, "This is where I was brought up!"
65: naked lady? wow
A naked lady gets into a cab,
Driver looks at her.
Lady replies: Haven't u ever seen a naked women before??
Driver replies: No .. I am just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me
Driver looks at her.
Lady replies: Haven't u ever seen a naked women before??
Driver replies: No .. I am just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me
64: drunk dad
In a bar 1guy says to another..
"I slept with ur mom last night"
Every 1 was waiting for the other guy to reply..
He Laughs & says..
Dad U drunk.. Lets go home..
"I slept with ur mom last night"
Every 1 was waiting for the other guy to reply..
He Laughs & says..
Dad U drunk.. Lets go home..
64: 3 good friends
There are 3 friends-an Indian, an American and a Russian.A fortune-teller tells them that they would die in 6 days. They all agree to tour their national country in a hot-air balloon. They fly over America, and the American says, " I love my country".Then he flips a gold coin over the edge of the hot-air balloon.
When they fly over Russia, the Russian says,"I love my country"and flips a silver coin over the edge of the hot air balloon.
They reach India and the Indian says,"I love my country" and flips a grenade over the edge of the balloon.
They go around again and they see a girl in America crying. The American asks her why she is crying,and she replies, " gold coin fell on my mom and she died." They go to Russia next and the Russian sees a boy crying and asks why he is crying. The boys says,"A silver coin fell on my dad and she died."
They fly over India on their last day and they see a boy laughing. they ask why he is laughing and the boy says,"My father farted and the house exploded"
When they fly over Russia, the Russian says,"I love my country"and flips a silver coin over the edge of the hot air balloon.
They reach India and the Indian says,"I love my country" and flips a grenade over the edge of the balloon.
They go around again and they see a girl in America crying. The American asks her why she is crying,and she replies, " gold coin fell on my mom and she died." They go to Russia next and the Russian sees a boy crying and asks why he is crying. The boys says,"A silver coin fell on my dad and she died."
They fly over India on their last day and they see a boy laughing. they ask why he is laughing and the boy says,"My father farted and the house exploded"
63: Batman and robin again?
Q:What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
A:Robin, get in the car!
A:Robin, get in the car!
61: sin
If u commit 90 sins, u will get caught 45 times. Why?
A: Coz Sin 90 = Cot 45!!! dun get it? look at the explanation below:)
sin90=1
cot(cotangent)= 1
threfore sin90= cot45
A: Coz Sin 90 = Cot 45!!! dun get it? look at the explanation below:)
sin90=1
cot(cotangent)= 1
threfore sin90= cot45
59: i dunt know
My cousin one day come and asked me " what is IDK?"
I replied: " I don't know"
She replied: " what? nobody knows"
I replied: " I don't know"
She replied: " what? nobody knows"
58: chimpney
Q:what did the tall chimney said to the small chimney???
Ans: you are too young to smoke!!
Ans: you are too young to smoke!!
57: characters
There is a big room with four corners. In the first corner, you find Superman. In the second corner you find Batman. In the third corner you find Spiderman. And in the fourth corner you find a gorgeous, extremely intelligent, 100% natural blonde woman with a ultra-thin magazine-model figure. In the center of the room t...here is a pot of gold. Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A: None, because none of these characters exist.
A: None, because none of these characters exist.
53: lizards
Once 5 house lizards: Been, Bee, Bead,
Bid and Baker were crawling on the wall when all of a sudden,
been started to sing a song.
The moment been stopped singing the song, Bee, Bead,
Bid and Baker fell down from the wall !!!...
WHY ???
Coz, they all started clapping !!!
Bid and Baker were crawling on the wall when all of a sudden,
been started to sing a song.
The moment been stopped singing the song, Bee, Bead,
Bid and Baker fell down from the wall !!!...
WHY ???
Coz, they all started clapping !!!
51: Airport
If God had intended for us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport :)
50: Dinasour
Q:why didn't dinosaurs study history???
A:because they were in the pre-historic time period!!
A:because they were in the pre-historic time period!!
49: Police
a policeman stopped a lady driver and demanded she show him her licence
Policeman: It states here u need to wear glasses
Woman: I have contacts
Policeman: I dun care if u know people. U are still getting a ticket!
Policeman: It states here u need to wear glasses
Woman: I have contacts
Policeman: I dun care if u know people. U are still getting a ticket!
48: Hunters
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a ...silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a ...silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
47. muffin
2 muffins are in an oven 1 says to the other "it's hot in here isn't it?"
the 2nd muffin replies "holy shit a talking muffin."
the 2nd muffin replies "holy shit a talking muffin."
46:eldery couple
Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"
Husband says "get a new hearing aid!"
Husband says "get a new hearing aid!"
45: Flamengo
Q:Why does a flamingo only lift up his right leg?
A:Because if he lifted up his left leg he would fall
A:Because if he lifted up his left leg he would fall
42: fridge
Q:What did the fridge say to the man standing in front of him?
A: Cool inside fool outside!!!!
A: Cool inside fool outside!!!!
40: patient
Patient: doc i still feel sick after a month!
Doctor: really? did u follow the instructions on the medicine i gave u?
Patient: Yeah..it said "keep it tight"
Doctor: really? did u follow the instructions on the medicine i gave u?
Patient: Yeah..it said "keep it tight"
38: Patient (sot ones)
three mentally ill patients decided to make a break from the mental hospital.
they came near to a guard house. the first one went past. and as he was going pass he made "meow meow" and the guard din care
the second one did the same and the guard din notice either.
the third one went past the guard house and said "cat cat"
they came near to a guard house. the first one went past. and as he was going pass he made "meow meow" and the guard din care
the second one did the same and the guard din notice either.
the third one went past the guard house and said "cat cat"
37: batman and robin (yeah again)
Q:Wat will batman and robbin be called after they are run over by a road roller.....???
A:flatman and ribbon!!!
A:flatman and ribbon!!!
36. Pirates
Two pirates are stranded on an island with only one bottle of water.
They decide to ration it out between the two of them. One pirate points
to the bottle and explains that he gets this half and that the other
one gets the other half. In the morning the first pirate finds that all
the water is gone. Angry, he demands an ex...planation from the other
pirate. The other pirate says, "I had to go through your half of the
bottle to get to mine".
They decide to ration it out between the two of them. One pirate points
to the bottle and explains that he gets this half and that the other
one gets the other half. In the morning the first pirate finds that all
the water is gone. Angry, he demands an ex...planation from the other
pirate. The other pirate says, "I had to go through your half of the
bottle to get to mine".
33. dumb customer
Customer: I'd like to buy some dog food.
Salesman: Do you have a dog?
Customer: Yes.
Salesman: Where is he?
Customer: He's at home.
Salesman: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the same customer returns.
Customer: I'd like to buy some cat food.
Salesman: Do you have a... cat?
Customer: Yes.
Salesman: Well…where is she?
Customer: She's at home!
Salesman: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the customer returns again.
Salesman: What's in the sack?
Customer: Put your hand inside.
Salesman: Hmmm…It's warm and moist! What is it?
Customer: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
Salesman: Do you have a dog?
Customer: Yes.
Salesman: Where is he?
Customer: He's at home.
Salesman: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the same customer returns.
Customer: I'd like to buy some cat food.
Salesman: Do you have a... cat?
Customer: Yes.
Salesman: Well…where is she?
Customer: She's at home!
Salesman: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the customer returns again.
Salesman: What's in the sack?
Customer: Put your hand inside.
Salesman: Hmmm…It's warm and moist! What is it?
Customer: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
32: bringing gf out
once my gf demanded tat i bring her to an expensive place. so i brought her to a gas/petrol station!!
i got dump...HAHA
i got dump...HAHA
31. grounded!
one day i was on the couch flipping through some channels on the tv. my mom came and sat beside me. she asked " what on tv?"
i replied" dust"
i was grounded for 1 week....
i replied" dust"
i was grounded for 1 week....
30: husband and wife
wife: Honey u are back early today?
Husband: my boss told me to go to hell!!
and the fight started......
Husband: my boss told me to go to hell!!
and the fight started......
29: husband and wife
wife (sleepily): honey..u have been up for 3 hrs staring at the marriage cert. wat is it are u looking for?
Husband: expiry date of the contract!!
Husband: expiry date of the contract!!
28: Batman superman and Robin
Q: who is stupid? batman superman or robin?
A: robin. because batman and superman are already wearing their underwear outside and he had to follow them!
A: robin. because batman and superman are already wearing their underwear outside and he had to follow them!
25. Things happening
Q: why are there so many bad things happening in the world?
A: so that we would feel that we are the better people.
A: so that we would feel that we are the better people.
24: Jack??
Q: what does jack-the-ripper and Alexander the great have in common?
A: same middle name!!
A: same middle name!!
23: Classroom!
Teacher: ALEC IF U MISBEHAVE AGAIN I AM GONNA TEACH U A LESSON!!!
Alec: HORRAY!!!FINALLY I AM GONNA LEARN SOMETHING!!
Alec: HORRAY!!!FINALLY I AM GONNA LEARN SOMETHING!!
21: Fish (AGAIN!!!)
Q: there were 10 fishes in a tank. one died and the owner took it away. however the owner had to dump some water as well. why is tat?
A: the other 9 fishes cried!
A: the other 9 fishes cried!
17. Essay
A teacher asked her class to write a story as if they in a war. one student wrote "OW!!!" and handed it in. Why did he do that?
A: He died at the beginning of the war!!
(Thanks Hannah for this one!!)
A: He died at the beginning of the war!!
(Thanks Hannah for this one!!)
16: Batman
Q: If batman and superman race, who would win?
A: superman of course. Batman Begins, superman returns.
A: superman of course. Batman Begins, superman returns.
15: Batman and Robin
Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it ...tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Batman?"
Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:
" Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it ...tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Batman?"
Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:
" Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
14: Superman
one day batman came to class and discovered tat superman wrote "batman is a wimp" on the blackboard
the next day superman came to class and found out tat batman wrote "superman is clark Kent"
the next day superman came to class and found out tat batman wrote "superman is clark Kent"
13. Discovering America?
Teacher to student: Jack go to the map on the notice board and point where is America?
Jack pointed and teacher replied: Well done. Now class, who can tell me who discovered America?
A student immediately stood up and said: Jack!
Jack pointed and teacher replied: Well done. Now class, who can tell me who discovered America?
A student immediately stood up and said: Jack!
11. Classroom
today was animal day at school. so the teacher decided to show her students what her pet is.
Teacher: in this box is a ten foot snake.
a student immediately folded his arms and said.
:Miss u can fool the others but u cant fool me. i know snakes dont have legs!!
Teacher: in this box is a ten foot snake.
a student immediately folded his arms and said.
:Miss u can fool the others but u cant fool me. i know snakes dont have legs!!
07. Fish 2
2 fishes were swimming in a river when i started to rain cats and dogs. the first fish said to the second....
"Quick!! under the bridge!!! I don't want to get wet!!"
"Quick!! under the bridge!!! I don't want to get wet!!"
06. Boeing
A man was going on a trip for the first time of his life. He saw the plane he was so excited. Ran up the plane and started screaming "BOEING!!BOEING!!!"
A annoyed attendant scolded him "BE Silence"
The man immediately went "Oeing!!!OEING!!!"
A annoyed attendant scolded him "BE Silence"
The man immediately went "Oeing!!!OEING!!!"
02. Answering a quiz
Teacher: Today we are gonna have a quiz. who answers quickly would get 5 points. now the question. who invented phones?
student: quickly!
(answers "quickly")
student: quickly!
(answers "quickly")
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